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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out
of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some
cream to put on it." |
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm
for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts." |
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One
says to the other, "have you ever been picked
up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No,
but I've been swung around by the t*ts!" |
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off. |
"You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today.They left a little note on the
windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'" |
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other
day but I couldn't find any. |
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the
top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too
high.' |
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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll
get back to you as soon as we're finished. |
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think
about your name, your number, and your reason for
calling.... and I'll think about returning your
call. |
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents,
please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't
lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry,
I have LOTS of money. |
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick
up the phone right now, because we're doing something
we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down,
and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth, we'll call you back. |
[Vampire]Good day. I regret that nobody is available
to come to the phone. Let's just say we are all
laying down on the job at the moment. But don't
worry your call is not in 'vein' ... ha ha ha, little
joke there! Please feel free to leave a message
after the tone, and we'll get back to you a little
later in the day. Please feel free to drop around
after Sundown, we'd love to have you for a drink! |
[Race Caller]And they're off! It's "Nobody
Can Take Your Call" jumping into an early lead,
followed closely by "Please Leave a Message
After The Tone" and "We'll Get Back To
You Pronto" in third, and coming out of nowhere
"Dont you just hate silly answering machines".
And we are in the home stretch, its "We'll
Get Back To You Pronto", followed closely by
"Please Leave a Message After The Tone",
and at the wire, by a nose its "Please Leave
a Message After The Tone". |
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Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?" |
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who
made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire." |
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how
much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son,
I'm still paying." |
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant
with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what
the other person has, and you
wish you had ordered that. |
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I
married you."
She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice." |
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I
got married; by then it was too late." |
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her
keep him. |
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